Dear readers
How can I possibly describe my arrival in France? Although I am from tiny part of the world in the Indian Ocean, I always felt French, part of a nation, a history, a revolution but unfortunately the welcome in France Metropolis on 6th September 2002 was very cold. I felt lost, disoriented to the point that I felt that I lost my identity, my passion and my vocation of speaking several languages and my goal to travel around the world.
When I fell in love with someone from my island soon after arriving, I thought I was somehow blessed because he had lived in France for 3 years because he would understand and help me to adapt. Big, huge mistake, one the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my entire life!
I never understood before why people say love is blind and stupid, Lord I learned the hard way that it is. Although I can say now that what I am about to share with you has forged my character and strengthened my will to change people’s perception about a woman from Mayotte. I am very grateful to have experienced what I have experienced so far because it allows me to speak my mind using my own knowledge on the topic of polygamy, to sympathize and understand women married to polygamists.
I must admit that from the beginning of that relationship, I had some convincing signs to predict that it was doomed to failure or would face some serious challenges. I do not want to dwell on that relationship but it is worth drawing evidence from something to illustrate my arguments.
I met my ex, let’s call him B through a childhood friend who had only positive things to say about him. It should be noted that B was the president of the association of mahorais students in Montpellier, known as the AEMM. B had supported and helped hundreds of students and was idolized and worshiped by many people. It was love at first sight and we became inseparable. He took me everywhere. Having said that, here is a piece of evidence that the alarm bells should have rung as B never introduced me as his girlfriend. He was saying exactly who I was, where I came from in Mayotte, the type of studies undertaken, but not once during that euphoric period did he mention that there was a love relationship. Being very shy at the time and not wanting to draw attention to me, it suited me a little so I closed my eyes.
October 2002, first meeting to welcome new Mahorais students. As a member, I could see the president in action first hand. He presided the meeting with tact, controlled the crowd with dexterity. It is worth pointing out that one needs to have nerves of steel to control a mahorais crowd. I admired him, I imagined spending the rest of my life with such a courageous, valiant man who shares the same ambitions as me to make a difference within our community.
The relationship was so fusional that I decided to introduce B to one of my best friends who we will call W. They say that if you want to know if your love relationship is going to last, you need to ask a friend’s opinion. W knew B as president of AEMM but not as a friend’s boyfriend. W liked him a lot because she thought that we were made for each intellectually and she saw how happy I was as a result W approved the relationship.
I shared my joy, my happiness with the people I knew in Montpellier including a girl who W and I knew from high school in Mamoudzou . It turns out that that girl that we will call C , was also new in Montpellier, already knew B via the AEMM and had become very close with my friend W. Although we were not friends, C also approved my relationship with B, she approved it to such an extent that she often made remarks like « I do not understand the critics towards B, how can anyone hate someone like B? He is generous, kind and very open-minded. » At the time, I completely agreed with her comments but I can now say with confidence and conviction that my ex never does anything by accident. He calculates and manipulates everyone around him to achieve his professional or personal goals . If he must be kind, generous, attentive, or if he must be dominating, ruthless to get what he wants, he will do it without any hesitation or scruples. In retrospect, I understood his « opponents » comments were totally justified and grounded.
The adoration and adulation of C towards B grew every day and they spent more and more time together. It turns out that they had one thing in common namely the Mahorais culture. They knew the same songs or artists such as Tama Music or Viking and were both in favour of polygamy.
Ladies and gentlemen I say loud and clear polygamy is a pure man’s invention to dominate women and we will have the opportunity on this blog to deal with this stupid and incoherent invention. I cannot believe that nowadays in 21st century that they dare justify such system and they dare justify it invoking the shortage of men on the island.
Let’s continue my own experience with a polygamist man. C and B initiated a « secret » relationship in parallel with mine and B. C had at some point some remorse and decided to confess she was in love with B and that she did not know what to do with her feelings for him. The worst revelation was when she confessed that the feelings were reciprocated. I will remember all my life that evening of confession. At first, I applauded her courage and reassured her that we would find a solution. Then the next day, I rushed to the phone booth (and yes, I did not have a mobile phone) to call B who was on holiday with his brothers in the north of France. I asked him one and only question: is it reciprocal? B’s answer was very convincing. Silly me, I had forgotten that my dear ex was studying media and communication so of course that his answer was going to be convincing. This was the answer: Zaina, I love you and I do not know what she is talking about. You sincerely think that I will be with you if my feelings for her were reciprocal? Do not worry I’ll talk to her and everything will work out, trust me ». With such a convincing answer, I unfortunately trusted him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and gave him permission to destroy me for a year and a half.
B had found the ideal life balance: he had 2 women with different character traits. A traditional woman, submissive and ready to accept everything including his infidelities (C) and a rebellious, ambitious woman and tolerant of any infidelity i.e me. B liked the fact that I was ambitious and used it to his advantage. B now journalist in Mayotte had grammatical difficulties with the language of Moliere and with my A levels specialised in French literature, I was the perfect candidate to correct his mistakes. When B began a second master’s degree to specialize in journalism, English was not his forte and the woman suitable for this mission was again me because I studied a degree specialised in foreign languages. Depending on the mission, he would favour one of us to serve his interests. The ideal candidate to promote Mahorais culture and traditions in general was C because she loved to show the whole world how much she knew how to cook typical meals. He loved to praise her talents as a good dancer of mbiwi or any other traditional dances. B was entirely right not to count on me for that side because I didn’t even know how to wear the traditional garment, or dance because I dedicated my spare time as a teenager reading books and I had never worn traditional clothing. On the other hand, I knew how to cook some dishes but I couldn’t never show that I could because would not allow anyone to cook. If I am not sure about a traditional dish or unfamiliar with the recipe, I always ask my mum, my current partner can testify!
B hated my rebellious side and did everything in power to shut it up. Public criticism eg: « I cannot believe you are a mahoraise, you do not know how to wear traditional clothing, only white people suffer from stress not someone who lived and grew up in Mayotte ». Private Critic: What are you going to do when you are graduate in foreign applied languages? How can you possibly complain about painful period after you have had them for years? You should be used it by now ».
He almost became violent with me when I disagreed with him, but he never acted on it because he knew that it might tarnish his image as president and, above all, he knew that my friends, my cousin and my family, living an hour and a half from Montpellier, would find out and fight back.
This infernal situation lasted more than a year. The longest year of my life. I had put on 10 kilos, I felt very lonely, fragile and very weak although my friends supported me during that period. A rumor circulated throughout Montpellier that I was preventing B and C from living their relationship openly, that literally killed me. Not only did I have to live with a humiliation of accepting that I was involved in a triangular relationship but knowing that that rumour ciriculated and I chose to stay regardless. The worst part is that I knew deep down that it was happening but my ex never ceased telling me that I had to be strong and fight for him. He told me that he loved me and that all these rumors about his secret relationship were unfounded. I blamed myself for feeling weak and not finding the power within me to leave. It hurt to see my friend C’s disappointment of W. She kept using those terms to « wake up, you are not submissive person, the Zaina that I know will never accept a triangular relationship, you are a lot stronger than you think, don’t worry there will be a time when you will know what to do”. I felt guilty to disappoint W who despite all the rumors, had consciously chosen to stay by my side and paid the consequences with me. Unfortunately, the process of recovery was very long. Another person played a fundamental role in my recovery, another very faithful friend who will be called N and who often used this expression to encourage me « whatever happens, tomorrow the sun will always rise ». N had lived a similar relationship in Mayotte and had told me how she had survived and had deviated from the traditions but I don’t think that at a time she realised that she challenged the whole society when she ended her relationship. Even though I had the unconditional support of two friends, we faced a community of about fifty people who criticized and marginalized us. I was angry with seeing W and N isolated but they were not afraid of not being part of this community. According to them, that community was not theirs because it was unable to change or adapt in France. My girls gave me confidence me but I was still ashamed to assume my choices so much so that I marginalised myself for months and only went out to buy food and especially to buy some Dannettes, good god I ate so much junk! Today I still cannot eat Dannettes or any mousse desert like because it reminds me of this very painful period of my life. A period symbolizing abandonment of my dreams, my ambitions as I stopped going to university for a month. B knew that I was not going to the university buthe never encouraged or motivated me to go because it suited him for me to be weak and vulnerable. One morning, I found the energy and the courage to get ready and dressed, it was a struggle to find anything that could fit me because with 10 kilos, all my clothes were too small. I managed to find a pair of trousers that was about my size even though I had some trouble breathing in it. Uncomfortable physically and psychologically, I decided to walk to the campus to attend a microeconomics course. On the way, I met my dearest ex and his best friend and he made the following comment: « Ah, you have not forgotten the way to go to college”. I continue walking but instead of going to my microeconomics course that day, I went to the Shoppi supermarket to buy more Danettes and sparkling desserts. By not attending my courses and not fulfilling the minimum required at college, it was obvious that I was not going to successful pass y my second year in Applied Foreign Languages. Devastated, depressed, humiliated, tired of fighting every day to keep a man who mistreated me and disappointed with my own actions, I had touched the bottom and wanted only one thing: to disappear from the surface of the earth.
What does one usually do when they touch the very bottom? Of course, call mum and dad for rescue. I called my poor mother crying and my poor mum who is 10 thousand miles away from France was extremely worried. I felt even more guilty and didn’t have the heart to tell her the real reason I was crying. My father being polygamist, my poor mother knew exactly how I was feeling, and I know how much she had suffered from it and is still suffering from the legal infidelities of my father. I kept crying but I lied to her and told her that real reason I was in such terrible state was because I had failed my exams. As a reassuring and devoted mother, here is what is said: « Darling, it’s normal; you live in a foreign country so you need a little bit more time to adapt but I am sure that you have done your very best. Moreover, your academic career is impressive but you are only human and you have the right to have some moments of weaknesses. I know that you will recover, you will see it with god’s help. » My wonderful mum was right, my “rebellions” side started to resurface. I decided to break up with B and devote myself to my studies. The minute I “woke up” I multiplied the visits to the university’s library. Bearing in mind that I missed one month worth of courses, I had a lot of catch up to do to be at the same level as my colleagues in less than 2 months before taking my final exams. Thank God, I « woke up » at the right time to apply for the European student exchange in Spain knowing as Erasmus. My application was accepted and 6 months later, I was ready to move in the Canary Islands more precisely in Tenerife. I was about to realize one of my dreams to live and study in Spain, I was on top of the world!
Even though I had put an end to my relationship with B, our relationship remained civilized and I continued to help him with his studies, I must admit that I still had feelings for him when we broke up until one sweet day and beautiful day in summer day 2004, a real turning point!
On the eve of that beautiful day I was in the process of revising for a management exam and B unexpectedly came knocking at my door asking me to go over to his place because he needed help. Not completely convinced of his intentions, we went to his flat prepare for our respective exams. I must confess that even if B had done lot of harm, I still believed in his success and encouraged him to get his dream job, namely journalist. In my opinion, the more qualified people are, the better chances the island will have move in the right direction so I put « our differences » aside and helped him as much I could ie I corrected his articles or translated the ones writing in English. That night, we only devoted ourselves to our studies and in the space of one night, I thought that B had perhaps changed. My God no! The next day was a totally different story. 11 am the following morning, someone rang the doorbell. I was in front of the computer reading and correcting his article, B in front of his American kitchen doing the dishes, scene never seen before! B being near the door, I asked him to answer the door but he refused, which I found extremely strange! I insisted and B finally went down to see who rang the doorbell. He came upstairs and said that it was F, the neighbor next door and a compatriot from Mayotte. But B’s mood had suddenly changed and he looked very tense. Seeing him in that state of mind, I asked him innocently what was wrong and what F wanted. He became angry and broke a plate on the floor, seeing him in that state and not being technically in relationship, I packed my books and decided to leave to continue my revisions at home. B became even angrier and prevented me from leaving and during our altercation, I saw who was at the door a few minutes before, it was obviously C! That’s why B was in a bad mood. The poor man double booked himself as he had forgotten that he had an appointment with C to take her shopping. I was speechless, shocked and I felt once again manipulated but the difference this time is that I knew that he would never the opportunity to manipulate to do it again. That day I promised myself to set myself free from that unhealthy and toxic relationship but before saying farewell to him forever I need to get a few of things off my chest such as: I cannot believe that a man as intelligent as you can be weak enough to give in an archaic and obsolete tradition.
How could you hurt me? Your father is polygamist and you have seen how he treated your own mother. He was never present for you, your younger brother and sister because of that, how is this possible? B had no answer but his anger increased even more and he did something incredible and very coward. He went down to ask C to come up to settle things as we do in Mayotte with the rivals. I’m ashamed of it today, but I did settle things down the way we do it in my island. For my defense, I had an opportunity to “ empty my bag’ as we say in French then I could move on once and for all. I have moved on but I will never forget what they did to me for a year and a half. I do not want to play the victim because I was playing a game I did not know the rules. They never had the guts to assume their relationship in public or in front of me, and if they had a little bit of dignity, they would not have had to « hide » their feelings because they knew they were doing something wrong. They dared to accuse me during the confrontation they had told me, liars! C had confessed her feelings but B denied his feelings towards her.
That experience taught me a lot about our Mahorais society. There are some educated Mahorais who live abroad and reproduce a « mini mahorais society » with old, archaic and obsolete customs and traditions. Some educated and intelligent men use traditions to perpetuate their power, to dominate women and make them that they have no choice other accepting traditions.
I am now aware that I had a lucky escape by breaking with B, then managed to follow my dreams whereas poor C was convinced that she had hit the Jackpot with B, who according to her, was a man of high calibre. Soon after our break up, B also broke up with C because she was no longer needed, the right balance was no longer there. After the horrible rejection, C was desperate enough to come in my student accommodation to “make up” because he hurt us both therefore there was no need for us to continue fighting. C paid the ultimate humiliation price as B married her next door neighbour in Mayotte, ouch!
Such long story shared to reinforce the need to break free from obsolete rules and traditions. Believe me, it is hard to be hated, despised by people from the same community as me but I refused and I still refuse to live according to other people’s rules.